I don’t know how to explain it.
The thoughts that bloom into nervousness, anxiousness, insecurities, anger, confusion, grief, and emptiness.
It consumes me.
What causes it?
When did it start to happen?
Are there ways to fix it?
How long will it last?
Will it ever stop?
I struggle with this more than before.
Some days are good and some are bad.
It’s not my fault.
It just happens.
It’s hard to ignore. You can’t do it.
It could take one single notion to set it off and it can take one more to destroy it.
But it always comes back.
It’s difficult to be happy and look forward to the future with this pulling you back.
Not physically, but mentally.
It’s difficult to let go of the past.
Especially those moments that tore you apart.
The pain is still there.
It continues to discourage you.
You can choose to ignore it.
But it already left it’s mark.
You can take a whole day to yourself to reflect and rejuvenate.
But you know you can’t ever get a true day to yourself.
Theres all these obstacles in your mind that you can’t seem to finish.
It’s never ending.
It’s difficult to discuss and confide in others because you are scared to be judged or dismissed of this “nonsense”.
It’s funny. You can be really successful at this point in your life and have those who matter love you, but still feel alone.
Maybe it’s best to keep it to yourself.
Or is it?
Sometimes you just want it to end.
But that’s selfish.. isn’t it?
You know there are others who have it worse than you do but this isn’t about anyone else except for you.
Everyone has a different path and destiny.
We have to continue pushing and jump out of our comfort zones.
That’s easier said than done.
It’s stupid but I personally, have the hardest time doing simple things on my own.
I get nervous thinking about going for a walk on my own, or experiencing new things and I even sit in the back of the class because of the fear of people looking at the back of my head and judging me.
How could someone live like that?
My panic attacks started in high school.
I had medication but the effects were too excessive.
I think my last one was a little more than a year ago.
I hate it.
It affects me in the worst ways and brings out the worst in me.
I hurt others, I hurt my relationships.
It takes a special person to understand this struggle.
Those special people deserve an award.
To be put through hell and back but still be there to help you get through it.
Hold on to them tight.
Understanding is a major benefactor.
Reassurance is the cure.
Knowing this isn’t fake.
Don’t let it deceive you.
Take it day by day.
One day it will subside.
Make a difference.
It’s not an excuse.
Mental illness is real.
It’s the monsters in our heads.